Will I Ever Be "Found?"

He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD.
Proverbs 18:22 (NASB)

If you borrow my Bible, you will find written in the margin beside that verse, "Will anyone ever find me, Lord?" And, underneath that comment I have written a date: May 14, 2005. Before I met my husband, that question sometimes lingered in my mind and in my heart. To the outside world, I didn't have much hope. Long before I allowed God to truly govern my life, I started to wonder why I had to experience life alone. Sure, I always had wonderful friends and a marvelous family, but that charming Edward Ferrars, who seeks the hand of Elinor Dashwood at the end of Jane Austen's "Sense and Sensibility" never seemed to seek mine. Nobody asked me to the Senior Prom. I passed through 4 years of college without meeting that "one and only." When I thought that maybe, just maybe, I had met him, it turned out that he married someone else! (I happened to leave the country on his wedding day, taking my first trip to Mexico. Isn't God amazing?) All in all, I figured my chances were over.


As I experienced dashed hope after dashed hope, I began to learn some valuable insights about God. In 1994, I surrendered my hopes for a husband to the One who created me; who knew my inner being even before I was formed in the womb. The surrender did not come easily at first. I am a woman! What woman does not long for the gaze of a man that loves her? Why do you think we like Jane Austen and movies like "The Wedding Planner?" But, little by little I allowed God to take away that focus I had kept on my lack of romance and I experienced Him replace it with a romance-of-sorts with Him. He became the one who comforted me when I felt scared. He became the one who smiled at me when I used my talents to please Him. He took away that desire to hope that each new Christian man I met might be "the one." He filled me with Himself.


Years passed. I moved to Mexico in 1999. While living in Mexico City, I turned 30. Surely that meant that my chances for a husband had passed. My friends began to have there 2nd and 3rd babies, and I started to have my 2nd and 3rd gray hairs. During my 2 years serving in Mexico City, the Lord instructed me, through His word, that He--God, the King--would call me beautiful! What comfort I received knowing that the Lord of Lords and King of Kings considered me beautiful! I reconfirmed my desire to trust Him and simply live for Him, and He kept His promises and loved me unconditionally. Even through my year and a half away from Mexico, studying at a seminary in NC--where everyone meets their spouse--God kept me for Himself. Oh, the difficult moments of wondering why came and went, but He never let me go.


In the spring of 2004, I had completed my first full year back in Mexico City. My 10 years of allowing God to romance me had also taught me incredibly. I learned to use my gifts and talents as a single woman to serve the Lord freely, without distraction. I spent time with families, observing their time together and learning from the husbands and wives. I became a "surrogate aunt" to several missionary children, using my freedom as a single woman to give their parents some breaks and build relationships with my "nieces and nephews." You see, God uses our qualities as women whether or not we have husbands. Never without a husband did I consider myself a "half-woman." A woman serving God will be a woman serving God, regardless of her marital status. Does it seem difficult at times to live in a world that pushes romance and sappy love stories? Yes, it does. I remember one evening while I rested on my couch simply crying, literally, to the Lord saying, "You know my heart! You know I love You! You know I desire to be a wife and a mother, but Your will, not mine, be done!" He kept me to Himself.

Then, later in 2004, I met Angel. Quickly, I knew that God had sent me the answer to my prayers. While I spent 10 years letting God romance me, I also prayed consistently that He would let me know when He presented my husband to me. I never prayed for a date. I never prayed for a boyfriend. I simply said, year after year, "Lord, if You have him planned for me, present him to me when You decide the time is right." And He did. What freedom! I didn't have to wonder if the cute single Sunday School teacher might find me interesting. No worries consumed me over whether or not my wonderful seminary brother might want something more than my friendship. God became my "match-maker" and I simply waited for Him to give me His best for me. And, it was worth the wait.

If you, my dear sister in Christ, find yourself waiting for that person that God has planned for you, I encourage you to use your days to their fullest. Live for God. Allow Him to keep you all to Himself. Wait for Him to say, "My beautiful daughter, here is the one I have chosen to give to you. I have prepared him to love and cherish you, as I have done thus far. I will not leave you now, but will continue to love you and strengthen you as you learn to love another." Enjoy His attention, and use your gifts and your talents that come from Him to enrich the lives of others. He knows you by name, and He knows your deepest longings. Live freely and bless His name. You, too, will be called Beautiful.

I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion.
Hosea 2:19 (NIV)